I used to obsess about A., a tattoo model from Texas. She also went by the name of Apnea. She was the ones who convinced me i needed a tattoo myself. I love the feeling of apnea. When I’m swimming, what I love the most is to dive as deep as a I can and swim under water until I can no longer bear the pressure on my lungs. Then I paddle wildly to emerge again and gasp for air. Sometimes it hurts. I have a thing for pain. I used to swim one km every single day for months. OCD does that your mind. One km or nothing, even during lunch break. I used to work as an account manager at an advertising agency and while my collegues went to fancy lunches or team meetings or simply shared a sandwich like normal people do, I snuck out and drove to the pool, all made up from my morning routine with mascara and eyeliner and went to swim my kilometer. Afterwards I always looked like hell, with marks from the goggles around my red watering eyes, but I didn’t bother to dry my hair or put on make-u again. I had short platinum blonde hair back then, that helped. I drove back to work feeling a tiny bit satisfied and relaxed. I usually had a piece of chocolate for lunch in my company car. An electric blue Toyota, i still remember the licence plate, EZB.

Nothing like me.

I listened to Trent’s screaming voice when I drove, taking wild turns.

I’ve spent all my life looking for the perfect drug.