dying animals

I feel little and silly
I always make a good impression
I have a storm inside my head that never stops howling
A hurricane
A sickness, growing, diminishing, growing again
A fear of being abandoned
Fear of happiness and of loss
And when I’m happy it’s so violent I almost pass out
I tremble with emotion and want to disappear
I love him
I have vomited after speaking on the phone
I’m nervous because I am afraid to take the wrong decision
I am afraid to have acted badly
I am so afraid because I love him
Because I love him so much I wouldn’t survive losing him
Meeting him was the biggest blessing and the greatest curse
Sometimes I imagine I’m very old and he as well and I imagine him dying
And then I want to die right away and never think again because that’s what happens to people when they grow older
“Sex makes us forget we are only dying animals”, that’s what I’ve read and I think it must be true
Man I’m trembling
I’m so afraid right now it makes me sick